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Bertie is a human fighter.



Bertie is a pompous, rich, self-centered fighter. Quite friendly and cheery, fond of animals, but not a good person. Has all the privileges and doesn't care. Bombastic and very strong, he enjoys hitting things with his sword. He is much more interested in appearing to be a hero than actually being heroic, and is motivated to help people only by a magical contract. If no one is watching, he will not do the noble thing.


Bertie is very tall, and lardy in a muscular way. Blonde hair, blue eyes, and armored like a tank. Like a taller and fatter Bertie Wooster (as played by Hugh Laurie).

Bertie wears a huge and flashy set of armor absolutely covered in falcons with red gems for eyes. Very much shiny "showroom" armor. Bertie's helmet is a large falcon head. One of the eyes was damaged and later repaired with an ever-burning torch in gem form, complete with a handy eyepatch to turn it on and off.

Changes in Appearance[]

Many tiny forearm scars in Carry On Swarming.

Branded on the wrist with the logo of Harkness, Harkness, Darkness, and Sphinx (a box with two interlocked rectangles inside) in The Exposition Box.


Hamid Saleh Haroun al-Tahan[]

Bertie met Hamid when they were at university at Cambridge. Of The London Rangers, he has the most patience and regard for Hamid (whether that be because of their shared history or because of their shared social class).

Zolf Smith[]

Bertie and Zolf butt heads most of the time. In fact, it's Bertie who ultimately drove Zolf off the team (though Zolf had multiple reasons for leaving). They openly disliked each other.

Sasha Racket[]

Though Sasha doesn't like Bertie and considers him a colleague at best, (though useful), Bertie cares about her a bit more than that. While he doesn't really respect her, and cares about his dog more than her, he does consistently say that he doesn't hate her and thinks of her as someone he likes. He initiates conversation with her and despite Sasha's dislike of him and their very different upbringings they can have a similar sense of humor and go off on tangents together.

Oscar Wilde[]

Bertie originally takes a liking to Wilde when they originally meet in Hamid's London apartment in RQG 25 - A Wilde After-party, and, after loads of flirting, decide to spend some time together for an "interview". When it later revealed that Wilde published a satirical article about him (RQG 34 - Le Gai Paris!), tarnishing his reputation, Bertie develops a permanent vendetta against the group's handler.

Harrison Cambell[]

Bertie first meets Harrison Cambell during his attempt to take the train from Dover to Calais in RQG 31 - Water Way to Go.... He strikes up conversation with Cambell in their train cabin, where Cambell sketches him and later asks to incorporate in a future novel. When the train can go no further and Bertie decides to continue on foot, Cambell joins him (after Bertie considers using him to electrified water) until he reaches his limit in RQG 32 - End of the Line....

He later reconnects with Cambell on the airship escaping Paris in RQG 62 - (Sky) Ship in a Bottle, and Cambell was not enthused to see him, especially after Bertie decides to regal his adventures to the author for several hours. When Bertie finds (through snooping in his cabin) that Cambell intends to portray him poorly in a novel, Bertie's opinion of him quickly turns (RQG 63 - Harrison Cambell!). He actively hunts Cambell down, getting to the point where he hangs Cambell over the side of the airship.


Bertie was born the younger son of the MacGuffingham Family, who's crest is a Maltese Falcon. His grandfather, Sir Everard MacGuffingham, was a famous explorer who has a wing in the London Museum. His family was incontinently rich, and Bertie lived a life of luxury growing up.

He attended Cambridge with Hamid for an unknown length of time.

At some point before the show begins, his parents and old brother were killed in an accident at sea and it fell to Bertie to pay back the family debt through the law firm of Harkness, Harkness, Darkness & Sphinx. To pay back his family's debt, Bertie must perform heroic acts. This is gauged by how much press he receives, not how good a person he actually is. Bertie can not tell anyone about this arrangement or he will be penalized. Due to this arrangement, Bertie buys a tanks worth of armor and a flashy sword before joining Zolf's mercenary company.

Additional Information[]

  • Quite outdoorsy
  • Holds a grudge against furniture after being bested by a table
  • "The Worst"



  • Skilled: Grants an additional skill point at level 1 and on subsequent levels.
  • Rich Parents: Starting wealth increases to 900gp
  • Pomp and Pageantry: +1 bonus to Acrobatics, Diplomacy, Handle Animal, Intimidate, Perform and Ride checks if the action takes twice as long and is performed pompously.

Class Features[]

  • Bravery: +1 on Will saves against fear.
  • Armor Training: Bertie reduces the armor check penalty of his armor by 1 and increases the maximum Dexterity bonus allowed by 1. He can also move at his normal speed while wearing medium armor.
  • Weapon Training (Blades, heavy): +1 on attack and damage rolls with all heavy blades.


  • Power Attack: -2 Penalty to hit in exchange for +4 damage on one-handed attacks or +6 on two-handed attacks.
  • Weapon Focus (Bastard Sword): +1 to hit with bastard swords.
  • Weapon Specialization (Bastard Sword): +2 damage with bastard swords.
  • Exotic Weapon Proficiency (Bastard Sword): Grants proficiency with bastard swords,
  • Noble Scion: +2 on Knowledge (nobility) checks and Knowledge (nobility) is considered a class skill.
  • Dazzling Display: Bertie can perform a bewildering show of prowess and make an Intimidate check as a full-round action to demoralize all enemies within a 30ft radius who can see him showing off.


  • Handle Animal
  • Intimidate
  • Knowledge: History, Nobility
  • Ride
  • Linguistics: English, Latin, Greek, French, Draconic, Gnomish
  • Use Magic Devide


  • Golden Armor, covered in Falcons.
    • Adorned with a matching gold-plated bow tie in episode 75
  • Heavy steel shield
  • Adventuring kit
  • Lots of clothing
  • Gas mask

Magic Items[]

  • Winged Boots: Allows flight, as if affected by a fly spell, and gives +4 to fly checks. Can be used three times per day for up to 5 minutes at a time.


Weapon Damage Additional info
Sir Everard MacGuffingham's Bastard Sword +2 1d10+8 (+9 if two-handing)(slashing) An intelligent magic item tasked with helping Bertie look "really brilliant". Received from Bertie's lawyers in episode 64.
Bastard Sword +1 1d10+7 (+8 if two-handing)(slashing)
Rapier 1d6+3 (piercing)

Ability Scores[]

Stat Level 1 Level 2 Level 3 Level 4 Level 5
Hit Points 13 44 55
Strength 16
Dexterity 12
Constitution 16
Intelligence 12
Wisdom 8
Charisma 13 14
Fortitude Save 5 7
Reflex Save 1 2
Will Save -1 0 0
Initiative 1
Base Attack Bonus +1 +2 +3 +4 +5


"I'm a very wise man."
Episode 2[src]
"I'm brilliant with people, very much a people person- you give me a person, we'll get on like a house on fire. There'll be screaming, but it'll be friendly screaming."
Episode 2[src]
"You know, it's very difficult to get completely silent help these days, but you know, I find muted, shy and deferential, they'll do just as well."
Episode 2[src]
"I would never hit a lady, but I would throw a lady out of a window if she tried to blow me up."
Episode 17[src]
"You know how important the game of diplomacy is? Do you have any idea of the ramifications for the rest of the world if this matter were ever to become public? If we were not able to handle it discreetly? Have you ever seen a city aflame? Have you ever imagined your loved ones, trapped in a burning building, and Europe is that building?!"
Episode 20[src]
"Brains MacGuffingham, they call me."
Episode 22[src]
"Which one of you tiny little peasants wants to dance?"
Episode 22[src]
"Bertie manages to fight off his disgust even though being assaulted by a mound of tiny, faceless, identity-less creatures reminds him an awful lot of his idea of what an uprising of the poor might be like."
Episode 22[src]
"I’m very psychologically resilient, there’s not very much psychology to damage."
Episode 24[src]
"Could we perhaps include elements of negligence, ahm, when it comes to the boat sinking, on the part of the people who were running the boat- because, it’s my understanding, and I speak as a layperson, that the principal function of a boat is to enable people to maintain themselves above water. Therefore, if it has sunk, it has neglected it’s one principal function: to stay above water."
Episode 28[src]
"In any case, discrimination is just another word for taste."
Episode 28[src]
"The only thing that’s on that boat that you could reasonably hide behind is false hope, that’s it. I’m getting the train!"
Episode 30[src]
"It won’t be murder, it’ll be- they’ll start it, I promise."
Episode 36[src]
"Sir Bertrand MacGuffingham: he deserves to die, but he won’t."
Alex, Episode 38[src]
"Bertie will accost a local."
Bertie Sidequest[src]
"You are a source of irritation…- with lovely eyes. Eyes a man could drown in, if he were foolish enough to think he could swim in eyes. You- cheekbones a man could juice a lemon on, little shell-like ears, if one wanted to stick one’s tongue in a shell for some reason… Skin like honey, in the sense that I would put it all in a jar..."
Bertie Sidequest[src]
"I am Sir Bertrand MacGuffingham, and you, you, young man, are welcome."
Bertie Sidequest[src]
"One small step for man, one giant leopard for Sir Bertrand MacGuffingham."
Bertie Sidequest[src]
"Squires- they’re like meaty pockets."
Bertie Sidequest[src]
"So. Artemis. Artie, if I may call you? A! We’re, we’re on first, initial, terms, now, ah, bit of a favor to ask- you know I’m not much of a one for the ladies, but uh, I thought, you know, between the two of us, because you know, we’re both pretty great, you know, we’ve got that in common, so um, maybe, you could help.. me.. fulfill.. my, destiny. I mean I’ve not really bothered you that much before- wisdom, not really my thing either, um, but, you know… go on, then."
Bertie Sidequest[src]
"Madam, I am Sir Bertrand MacGuffingham, I seek ruffians, which way?"
Episode 59[src]
"He's not attempting to intimidate the zombies- he's attempting to intimidate Sir Everard MacGuffingham's sword."
Episode 67[src]