Bertie is a human fighter.



Bertie is a friendly, pompous, rich, self-centered fighter. Quite likeable and cheery, fond of animals, but not a good person. Has all the privileges and doesn't care. Bombastic and very strong, he enjoys hitting things with his sword.


Bertie is very tall, and lardy in a muscular way. Blonde hair, blue eyes, and armoured like a tank. Like a taller and fatter Bertie Wooster (as played by Hugh Laurie).

Bertie wears a huge and flashy set of armour absolutely covered in falcons with red gems for eyes. Very much shiny "showroom" armour. Bertie's helmet is a large falcon head. One of the eyes was damaged and later repaired with an ever-burning torch in gem form, complete with a handy eyepatch to turn it on and off.

Changes in Appearance

Many tiny forearm scars in Carry On Swarming


Hamid Saleh Haroun al Tahan

Zolf Smith

Sasha Racket

Oscar Wilde

Harrison Campbell


Bertie was born the younger son of the MacGuffingham Family, who's crest is a Maltese Falcon. His grandfather, Sir Everard MacGuffingham, was a famous explorer who has a wing in the London Museum. His family was incontinently rich, and Bertie lived a life of luxury growing up.

He attended Cambridge with Hamid Saleh Haroun Al-Tahan for an unknown length of time.

At some point before the show begins, his parents and old brother were killed in an accident and it fell to Bertie to pay back the family debt through the law firm of Harkness, Harkness, Darkness & Sphinx. To pay back his families debt, Bertie must perform heroic acts and this appears to be gauged by how much press he receives. Bertie can not tell anyone of this arrangement or he will be penalized. Due to this arrangement, Bertie buys a tanks worth of armour and a flashy sword before joining Zolf's mercenary company.

Bertie is also more interested in appearing to be a hero than actually being heroic. If no one is watching, he will not do the noble thing.

Additional Information

  • Quite outdoorsy
  • Holds a grudge against furniture after being bested by a table
  • "The Worst"


  • Golden Armour, covered in Falcons.
  • Main weapon is a big and flashy Bastard Sword.
  • Carries a Rapier for formal occasions.
  • Bertie also has a heavy steel shield, an adventuring kit, and lots of clothing.


Languages English, Latin, Greek
Proficienct skills Handle Animal, Riding, Exotic Weapon: Bastard Sword
Knowledges Nobility
Traits Rich Parents, Pomp and Pageantry
Feats Power Attack, Noble Scion

Main Ability Scores

Stat Level 1 Level 2 Level 3 Level 4 Level 5
Hit Points 13
Strength 16
Dexterity 12 /
Constitution 16
Intelligence 12
Wisdom 8
Charisma 13
Fortitude Save 5
Reflex Save 1
Will Save -1
Initiative 1
Base Attack Bonus 1


Weapon # Damage Additional info
Bastard Sword 1 1d10 (slashing) *fact check needed*
Rapier 1 1d6 (piercing) *fact check needed*


  • "I'M A VERY WISE MAN." (RQG 02)
  • "I'm brilliant with people, very much a people person- you give me a person, we'll get on like a house on fire. There'll be screaming, but It'll be friendly screaming." (RQG 02)
  • "You know, it's very difficult to get completely silent help these days, but you know, I find muted, shy and deferential, they'll do just as well." (RQG 02)
  • "I would never hit a lady, but I would throw a lady out of a window if she tried to blow me up." (RQG 17)
  • “You know how important the game of diplomacy is? Do you have any idea of the ramifications for the rest of the world if this matter were ever to become public? If we were not able to handle it discreetly? Have you ever seen a city aflame? Have you ever imagined your loved ones, trapped in a burning building, and Europe is that building?!” (RQG 20)
  • “Brains MacGuffingham, they call me.” (RQG 22)
  • (To an enormous swarm of small creatures) “Which one of you tiny little peasants wants to dance?” (RQG 22)
  • (James, OOC) "Bertie manages to fight off his disgust even though being assaulted by a mound of tiny, faceless, identity-less creatures reminds him an awful lot of his idea of what an uprising of the poor might be like." (RQG 22)
  • (James, OOC) "Bertie will accost a local." (RQG B1)
  • “I’m very psychologically resilient, there’s not very much psychology to damage.” (RQG 24)
  • (Bertie, helping to plan Zolf’s court-martial defense) “Could we perhaps include elements of negligence, ahm, when it comes to the boat sinking, on the part of the people who were running the boat- because, it’s my understanding, and I speak as a layperson, that the principal function of a boat is to enable people to maintain themselves above water. Therefore, if it has sunk, it has neglected it’s one principal function: to stay above water.” (RQG 28)
  • “In any case, discrimination is just another word for taste.” (RQG 28)
  • (Bertie, about the boat provided to Zolf by the Cult of Poseidon) “The only thing that’s on that boat that you could reasonably hide behind is false hope, that’s it. I’m getting the train!” (RQG 30)
  • “It won’t be murder, it’ll be- they’ll start it, I promise.” (RQG 36)
  • (Alex, about Bertie) “Sir Bertrand MacGuffingham: he deserves to die, but he won’t.” (RQG 38)
  • (Bertie, pointing at Ed Keystone) “You are a source of irritation…- with lovely eyes. Eyes a man could drown in, if he were foolish enough to think he could swim in eyes. You- cheekbones a man could juice a lemon on, little shell-like ears, if one wanted to stick one’s tongue in a shell for some reason… Skin like honey, in the sense that I would put it all in a jar...” (RQG B2)
  • I am Sir Bertrand MacGuffingham, and you, you, young man, are welcome.” (RQG B2)
  • “One small step for man, one giant leopard for Sir Bertrand MacGuffingham.” (RQG B3)
  • “Squires- they’re like meaty pockets.” (RQG B3)
  • (Bertie’s prayer to Artemis in the Tomb of Hannibal) “So. Artemis. Artie, if I may call you? A! We’re, we’re on first, initial, terms, now, ah, bit of a favor to ask- you know I’m not much of a one for the ladies, but uh, I thought, you know, between the two of us, because you know, we’re both pretty great, you know, we’ve got that in common, so um, maybe, you could help.. me.. fulfill.. my, destiny. I mean I’ve not really bothered you that much before- wisdom, not really my thing either, um, but, you know… go on, then.” (RQG B3)
  • (To a frightened, elderly French woman) "Madam, I am Sir Bertrand MacGuffingham, I seek ruffians, which way?" (RQG 59)
  • (James, OOC) "He's not attempting to intimidate the zombies- he's attempting to intimidate Sir Everard MacGuffingham's sword."
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