Join Helen, Ben, Lydia and special guests Tim Meredith and Imogen Harris as they band together to survive a haunting adventure in Grant Howitt's Beautiful Space Pirates.
Sexiest space pirate to ever pirate in space. Incredibly handsome. Has King Charles II’s hair (he stole it), dyed a deep azure blue. His skin is the green of the deep sea. He is wearing “whatever you want him to, baby.” Travels with Jezail Fleurdelys, rampant space wizard. Along with Erogenous, co-own Terpsichore's Vaunt, a star-skimmer that’s been in his family for generations (that Erogenous insists is called the Erogenous Zone, much to Bathin’s displeasure.)
3 foot tall. Has twelve legs, although this changes every time they shed their skin. Has foot-long eye stalks. Incredibly handsome. Sparkly and purple. Wears “azure grey” “incredibly complicated” trousers. Travels with Clarabelle-003, a time-travelling private detective and his on-again, off-again paramour; and Castor Wolfhowl, pangalactic daguerreotypist and canny muckraker.
Like Noel Coward from Private Lives in terms of body shape and type — not a hunk, but a “rakish figure.” His skin is purple velveteen, covered in diamonds. Travels with Serratio Kingson, a beautiful space prince with literal emerald eyes (also Erogenous’s ex-lover). Along with Bathin, co-owns Terpsichore’s Vaunt.
Tall and bald and old and scaly and sleek. You know, like a human. But actually a massive snake with a tentacle mid-section. Travels with Audacious Fandago, galactic mountebank and interstellar highwayperson (a flesh horse riding a human); and Kinesthelesion, a talking crystal horse that she's ridden since she was a child.
Bathin, Spinglewald, Erogenous, and the Countess (along with their companions Jezail Fleurdelys, Clarabelle-003, Castor Wolfhowl, Serratio Kingson, Audacious Fandago, and Kinesthelesion) are a group of space pirates attending the funeral of the Great Space Pirate Balthazar Germaine. Balthazar wrote them into his will. However, the will came with bizarre stipulations and only one crew can claim the majestic award… by surviving a night in a haunted space station.
The crew is travelling on the Terpsichore’s Vaunt to the haunted space station. Bathin, Spinglewald, Erogenous, the Countess, and all their companions all have their own captain’s chairs (except for Spinglewald, who has a captain’s chandelier) on the bridge.
They get a message, which Erogenous answers. It’s Castiel Germaine, the husband of the late Balthazar Germaine. He wishes the crew good luck on spending the night in the haunted space station, and notes that the other crews are all already here. He informs them that in order to get the inheritance, at least three of the crew need to survive. Erogenous asks why someone might die, but Castiel says the station’s full of space demons, or spemons. Castiel’s never seen a spemon, but believes that they’re remnants of old gods from destroyed planets who have since made the space station their home. Spinglewald expresses hesitation to busting into someone else’s home, but says he’ll just have to make it up to the spemons. Bathin will do it for Balthazar’s jewels. Castiel ends the call, and Erogenous goes to make out with Serratio Kingson for twenty more minutes.
They approach the space station. It’s in large and in disrepair, built in a rustic style. There are three other spaceships in the docking bay: one of them is a flashy gold cover, one of them is purple and black with several kinds of disco balls on it, and the last one looks completely ordinary.
Before they get off the ship, Erogenous has another quick make-out session with Serratio Kingson, Spinglewald poses for some pictures with Castor Wolfhowl, and Audacious Fandago and Kinesthelesion (both horses) fight with each other.
As they disembark, they see the three other crews:
The first is led by Fingledan Parsimonious, a notorious posh fence — both in the sense that he deals in stolen goods and in that he’s an actual fence, descended from wooden spiders — who is wearing different pairs of shades on each set of eyes. His gang of space-noble smugglers includes Trevelanior (they; has hovering eyeballs around their head), Bruschetta (she; has a double-headed tail), Yurtle (he; has a golden visor), Atrocity Handhammer (he; has hammers for hands), and Chad (he; is robot royalty).
The second is led by Ra-ra Spinglespangle, dilettante and nightclub owner. She is dark-skinned and has prosthetic arms that are covered in jewels. She’s brought her all-woman band, The Mysterious Protostars: Diamond (always in a massive cloak), Venus (hovers), Livia (knives for nails), and Amara (three mouths).
The third is led by Capricious (or Capri) Sun, space cowboy/centaur and former rival of Balthazar because cowboys and pirates are constantly fighting. Capri is very determined and has brought their centaur buddies, who have humanoid tops and animal bottoms: Sundee (they; bear centaur), Lilt (he; moose centaur), and Daney Burdock (she; squid centaur). [Editor's note: Capri Sun's crew are all named after soft drinks.]
[The cast then discusses the logic of non-horse centaurs for approximately three minutes.]
Erogenous expresses disgust to Bathin at spending the night with “these upsetting specimens,” but Bathin says that Balthazar’s jewels are worth it. Bathin talks to Atrocity Handhammer, his old rival/friend. Atrocity has recently driven his ship into a moon and thus joined Fingledan Parsimonious. Atrocity also threatens Bathin with his hands, which are hammers.
Spinglewald tries to sell a chandelier to Fingledan, and compliments his eye stalks. Fingledan says that he’ll wait until after the night in the space station to buy it. Spinglewald huffs off with the chandelier. Bathin points out to the Countess that the chandelier is from Terpsichore’s Vaunt.
Meanwhile, both of the Countess’ horses have gone off to chat up Burdock, the squid centaur. Also, Erogenous locks the ship, causing the ship to say “ooh, yeah.”
Castiel Germaine steps out of the space station; he has an amazing silver quiff and neon suit, and looks elegant and pleasant. He says they’ll have to survive twelve hours inside. Bathin asks after canapés, and Germaine says he can eat whatever he finds inside. Germaine then spanks everyone inside and closes the doors.
The crews find themselves in darkness, but Spinglewald turns on a light switch, turning on beneficial chandeliers all around the space station. There are rust-coloured stains all over the place. Some compartments have busted-in doors, while others are barricaded. There is a ghostly whooshing through the vents. Spinglewald suggests a nap.
The other crews go off to different parts of the space station, until the four crew and their companions are left alone.
Spinglewald rolls out a picnic blanket and sets up a picnic whilst Castor Wolfhowl takes flattering dageurreotypes of him. Erogenous gets out a small footstool, waits for silence, then Bathin leans alluringly against a pillar, whilst Countess Underscore mounts both her horses (the flesh horse is riding a human) in anticipation of a quick getaway. Erogenous says that in films, people split up and are murdered horribly, and that to avoid that they should stay where they are and have a lovely soiree party, with possible loving. Bathin agrees; he wants to enjoy Spinglewald's delicious picnic- he doesn't just want to survive, he wants to live. They consider inviting the spemons to the picnic, at which a spooky 'wooOOOoooo.......' is heard from the vents. Erogenous loses his cool, gets out his laser flintlock, and points it at the vents, shouting at the vents. The vents say 'woooOOOoooo, get out.....'. Bathin calms him, and he starts making out with Serratio. The vent 'spemons' try to claim that Serratio and Giselle have been having an affair, but Erogenous says he approved of the affair. The vent swears.
Spinglewald sees a tiny chandelier inside the vent with his eyestalk, and looking in, sees a severed hand and a lot of dust, and tries to chat up both the severed hand and the speaker. The speaker tries to claim that it's a spemon. Spinglewald pulls the speaker out of the vent, and the speaker protests that it's very dangerous. Spinglewald suggests that the space station is in fact not haunted, and that in fact audio devices have been placed around to make it seem haunted.
At this point, they hear the sound of doors repeatedly slamming from down the corridor. Spinglewald sends Clarabelle the private detective to investigate the slamming; she disappears around a corner, yelps, then stays silent. Bathin says that they're splitting up by accident, and they all decide to go and find Clarabelle, taking their picnic with them, the corners of the blanket tied to the two horses. There are several doors. Nobody can smell goats behind the doors. The chandeliers start turning on and off, and plunge the team in to darkness. Erogenous accidentally grabs Spinglewald, and gets out his laser flintlock and fires it at the ceiling. A yelp comes from the ceiling.
Countess Underscore tries to climb her person-horse-horse stack to check out the source of the yelp. She accidentally puts her foot in the human's mouth and they bite her. Spinglewald tries to climb the horse pile but falls, landing on the countess. Erogenous then fails to climb the stack and falls on top of Spinglewald. Bathin, instead of climbing, then walks up the staircase of fallen compatriots and puts his head through the hole. In the ceiling is Chad, a royal robot wearing a crown. He's pointing a gun at Bathin. Bathin asks if Fingledan Parsimonious knows he's here, and Chad says yes. He says he was going to shoot them, but that they shot him first by accident. Bathin tries to de-escalate the situation by showing his fantastic cheekbones. Chad is not impressed and shoots him through the shoulder, and tells him to get out or he'll shoot the rest of them. As Bathin descends, Chad starts to smack Bathin on the head with his pistol. Erogenous fires at Chad with his laser flintlock, and Chad retreats. Bathin suggests that the space station isn't haunted at all, and that the crews have been lured into the space station to kill one another. Spinglewald asks Castor Wolfhowl to use their camera flash to make light in order to look for Clarabelle.
There's still no sign of Clarabelle, but Countess Underscore uses her powers to manifest a window in one of the doors to look in before opening. It looks like an empty store-room. There's a small blinking light to the left. Spinglewald opens the door and asks Castor to take a photo of them posing handsomely in front of the blinking light. On the daguerreotype the party can see a device attached to the door, possibly to activate spooky things. Erogenous suggests that since the haunted space station is clearly a trick, they should find the central control room and shut it down. Spinglewald counters that they should just eat their picnic. Countess Underscore worries that in the chaos of the person-horse-horse climbing episode, the picnic may have fallen to the ground and been ruined. Sandwiches are stuck to one side of the horse; it's a mess. The party is in a room of freeze-dried food, so there's still hope for a picnic. Spinglewald opens all the other doors in the corridor, and the rooms all seem to be empty. One room, however, contains a chute. Countess Underscore would like to send one of her very sexy and dashing horses down the chute first to check it out, but unfortunately they're too big.
Spinglewald shouts for Clara down the chute, and she replies that she's fine, and in a 'soft room'. Bathin slides down the chute to the soft room, and the others follow; the Countess leaves the horses to fend for themselves at the top.
The party lands in a pitch-black room with a soft floor of fur rugs. They all pose for a photo from Castor. Suddenly, the gravity turns off, causing everyone to float, then on again. This repeats. Spooky/sexy red emergency lights turn on. The party discuss whether to try and escape back up the chute and solve the mystery (Spinglewald would scuttle up, then tie strips of the picnic blanket to one of the horses' legs and make a rope for the others to climb), or whether to stay in the soft room and have a sexy party picnic. They hear a rhythmic thudding from behind a wall, and hoof-shaped dents appear in the wall. Two enormous hooves burst through and Lilt the moose centaur appears and greets them. Erogenous asks why he has come to their aid, and he relies that he just likes kicking walls, but that they can hang out. He says he's not really into killing the other pirates like the rest of his crew, and is more interested in hanging out, meeting some spemons, and maybe kissing a spemon. The party invites Lilt to join them in the soft sexy room, and to save space, they will all sit on his back. He agrees, and punches a hole in the wall so the rest of his 'enormous moose body' can fit through.
Spinglewald asks Clarabelle if she has found any clues, and she says that she didn't fall down the chute but was grabbed and pulled down- but that she didn't see who/what it was. She says it was a metal hand, and Bathin suggests that it was either Chad or another unknown agent or a trap. The party asks Lilt to do some mechanics to find out about the metal hand, and Erogenous sets off down the new corridor (through Lilt's punched door-hole) to find an access panel. There are no chandeliers in this corridor, and the emergency lights give a spooky red glow. Erogenous fails to find a hatch and instead pokes himself with the cane (of course he has a cane). Spinglewald is using their legs to tap at the wall, sticking their legs any old where. Unfortunately they lose a trouser leg. Countess Underscore also fails to find an access panel, using her head to tap on the walls. [At this point the players realise that the Countess is a big snake]. Her head gets stuck in the floor and is stuck for a moment. Through the floor, the Countess sees Ra-ra Spinglespangle and her band looking up at her and pointing their instruments at her. Ra-ra yells at her to get out and that his is their hiding place, and the Countess asks if they do requests (answer: not now!). The countess accuses them of cowardice, and they say it's about winning, not bravery. They start to poke at her and she hisses angrily. The rest of the party asks if they do requests, and they're not keen. Then Bathin asks, turning on the charm (would you take requests... for me). Livia is impressed with Bathin (Stellar Firma listeners will know that everyone loves Bathin), and she invites the party (including Lilt the moose) in for a jazz party.
The Mysterious Protostars start singing and playing a song, and Livia in particular is giving eyes to Bathin. Bathin gives eyes back- specifically he takes one of Serratio's emerald eyes and gives it to Livia. Serratio, angry, begins to fight with Livia. Bathin moves to stop them, but Erogenous puts a hand on his chest and says 'No... let them fight'. Bathin says he's got a point, and they watch the fight. Livia wins, as she has knives for nails.
Suddenly, from outside the barricaded room, they hear sounds of a gunfight. (Erogenous does the splits, and everyone is impressed.) From outside come gunshots and screams, (Spinglewald gets the Protostars to play their music louder and Erogenous does the splits again), followed by an eerie silence. Ra-ra suggests they check what's going on outside. The party isn't keen and would rather play Spin The Bottle, so Venus goes outside to check instead. Spinglewald spins and gets Erogenous, and kisses him at length while he does the splits again. Venus comes back with news: there are lots of dead people out there. The music stops, and the mood dies a little.
Erogenous suggests they find out who did the murdering in order to avoid being murdered by them. Spinglewald sends Clarabelle out there to look for clues. She comes back, saying the blood smears indicate there's a killer on the loose. Bathin suggests they find the killer, not only to win Castiel's will, but also to challenge the killer to a dance party. Erogenous cocks his gun and walks out. The rest follow, boogieing they way down the corridor of carnage to the Protostars' music.
The bodies are: Fingledan, Bruschetta, Sun D, and Daney Burdock. Lilt is very slightly sad; Bathin puts his hand on Lilt's cheek and comforts him, inviting him to join their crew- there are stables aboard their ship and there's a human he can ride around on. Lilt accepts, and closes the eyes of the other centaurs. The party continues to boogie down the corridor.
The party has formed a conga line in the corridor (difficult due to the vast differences in heights, numbers of legs, and whether one even has hands), following the blood smears. They end at a closed door. Countess Underscore manifests a window in the door, and sees Atrocity Handhammer facing off against Capricious Sun. Spinglewald looks in, and finds a chandelier above them. Erogenous yells in, asking what's going on, but they don't hear. Erogenous opens the door, and Atrocity and Capricious turn and face him, pointing their hammers and gun at him. He aims at the chandelier rope, and tries to out-talk them. When asked if he's in league with the spemons, Erogenous says he doesn't think there's such thing as a spemon and that they're all being led on by Castiel; the spooky whispering was all speakers not spemons. Suddenly, a piercing shriek comes through the speaker. Atrocity and Capricious are terrified, yelling that it's a speaker, but Erogenous reassures them that it's a speaker. Spinglewald rips the speaker from the vent. The party wonders whether they are all being set up by a) Balthazar Germain from beyone the grave; b) Balthazar Germaine who isn't even dead; c) his husband, Castiel; or d) he's pretending to be his own husband.
The speaker shrieks again from Spinglewalds' hand, and he rips it apart. Bathin brings up the concept of finding the control room again. Capricious agrees, and Erogenous lowers his arm. As the party wonders where the control room might be, suddenly the shink-shank of crystal horsey hooves, and the tired pacing of human hands and feet is heard from down the corridor. Kinesthelesion pokes their head around the door and, in a very horsey voice, tells the party that they think they've found the centre of the space station (and that the space station is a maze). He tells them to go with him, and the party gets on his back, clippity cloppity down the horridor (apart from Countess Underscore, who slithers). They find themselves in front of a massive blast-door-portcullis. The lights are flickering and the doors are banging; shrieking and wooOOOoooing surrounds them.
Spinglewald goes to the bottom of the door and pushes it up with his tiny, 3 ft (that's 1 m) frame. Inside is a more modern-looking room: lava lamps, brightly-lit, splendid rugs, paintings, a piano, a globe alcohol cabinet, and a oak desk. At the desk is a man.
The man is Castiel, and he looks extremely cross. He's surrounded by controls and cameras. He tells them to go back outside and kill each other some more- the inheritance is his! He tells them his husband drove him up the wall, and that they had had 18 poodles, but that he has zero inheritance since his husband blew it all on this scheme. How is he supposed to maintain this pirate spaceship, the eighteen poodles, and his and Balthazar's daughters?
Erogenous asks if his husband specifically excluded him from the will in favour of the pirate spaceship competition, and he says yes. Erogenous says he's thinking that Balthazar wasn't a very nice person. Castiel says that yes, Balthazar was always chasing schemes while he himself scrimped and saved to make ship repairs while trying to maintain the goodwill of the crew.
The Countess slithers forwards and puts a comforting cold, dry, scaly tail over his shoulders, and Castile cries into her scales. [At this point the players learn that the Countess' mid-section is a tentacle]. He says he thought the pirates would just kill each other and that he would be able to use the inheritance to maintain his ship/daughters/poodles. The crew comforts him, saying that he nearly managed it and that they nearly didn't work it out (Spinglewald glares at Clara). Erogenous suggests finding a solution that doesn't involve so much murder, and that they should all have a party, with the pirates doing a whip-round for funds. Castiel complains about his daughters' and poodles' needs; Bathin suggests converting some of the stables on the Terpsichore's Vaunt/ Erogenous Zone into kennels. Castiel says that he still has his spaceship, the Blue Flamingo, although it's in disrepair. Spinglewald says he can brighten it up with some chandeliers, and Countess Underscore can put in some windows. Bathin says he's a dab hand at interior decoration, and when Castiel despondently says that his plan's failed now anyway, Bathin suggests a sexy redecoration- renovation- rejuvenation- reconciliation party, with a montage.
Erogenous shines lights through Kinesthelesion to create a nice light fixture, but he is dazzled by the light and falls on Erogenous; Bathin is co-ordinating the decorating effort but is getting overwhelmed (so many lava lamps...) and has an anxiety attack. The Countess is stripping back the hardwood floors and staining them a nice colour, but accidentally gets stuck to the floor, hissing angrily. Spinglewald is successful with installing chandeliers. Kinesthelesion shatters, and the Countess uses a shard of crystal to prise herself from the floor. She is also crying and covered in blood, reminiscing about good times with her horse. Bathin grabs Jezail, and tearfully tells her that she will have to leave him and stay with Castiel to finish the redecorating. Serratio runs up to Erogenous, now being stabbed by crystal shards, and licks his wounds- but doesn't know that Erogenous' species' blood is poisonous to him. Erogenous tries to stop him, but by the time Serratio realises it is too late. Erogenous turns him around and bends him over, crying, so he can see Serratio's beautiful buttocks one last time; Serratio then dies.
Once everyone has cleaned up the blood and bits of crystal, they have a very meaningful party, during which Castiel dances with Spinglewald and finds himself madly in love with him; his scuttling, his (currently) 14 legs and assless chaps. Everyone is grooving.
Bathin Galcatonium was revealed to be an evil robot that had kidnapped the real Bathin and kept him in captivity for a year: real Bathin is now free. The fate of Evil Robot Bathin is not stated.
Countess Underscore Starcluster never got over the loss of her horse and spent the rest of her life searching the galaxy for another, accompanied only by a resin donkey and an amber sheep.
Spinglewald Tasethorpe, after Castiel ran out of money and was found to be committing tax fraud on twelve different planets, escaped from tax prison disguised as a mop and is now on the run, dealing in stolen dictionaries.
Erogenous Rakewell, after discovering his longtime partner to be an evil robot and ousting him from the ship, he took the repainted and offocoally renamed Erogenous Zone on a sexy tour of the galaxy; his current whereabouts are unknown, presumed Hot.
Bathin: "If I'm honest, I don't really see much of a problem with us staying in this zero-g-sometimes-g kind of sex party hole for, er, the next eleven and a half hours."
Erogenous: "I get you, bro. I understand. I really would love to just- just hang out in this sexy soft room! But somebody's clearly trying to, to, to mess with us. We can't allow that! We couldn't allow the other space pirates-"
Spinglewald: "I like being messed with..."
Erogenous: "Well not in a fun way, not in a sexy fun way, this is a-"
Bathin: "Well I'm- I'm having fun."
Erogenous: "Well I mean we could spend the rest of the ten hours just in here..."
Bathin: "We could, yes!"
Erogenous: "Or, we could find out what's going on!"
Bathin: "Does anybody have any wine?"
-The party decides whether to advance the plot or have a sexy picnic
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[Kinesthelesion speaks in the ridiculous voice of a neighing horse]
Kinesthelesion: "Countess Underscore!"
Countess Underscore: "Oh, Kinesthelesion, I've missed you! Where have you been? Tell me everything."
Kinesthelesion: "I've been great!"
Countess Underscore: "I want more detail than that, to be honest."
Erogenous: "Yes, tell us of your travels!"
Kinesthelesion: "I've been wandering around, and found what we think is the centre. Yooouu know mee!"
- Countess Underscore asks Kinesthelesion if they've found any useful information, while the players completely lose it due to Helen's horse voice
---- ---- ----
Dice rolls and mechanics
Imogen rolls for Countess Underscore to climb her person-horse-horse stack: Daring 5 (DC 8: fail; gains 1 peril)
Lydia rolls for Spinglewald to climb the person-horse-horse stack: Daring 6 (DC 7: fail; gains 1 peril)
Tim rolls for Erogenous to climb the person-horse-horse stack: Daring 4 (DC 6: fail; gains 1 peril)
Ben rolls for Erogenous to climb the person-horse-horse stack: Daring 7 (DC 5: pass)
Ben rolls for Bathin to charm Chad: Handsome 7 (fail; gains 1 peril)
Tim rolls for Erogenous to shoot Chad: Daring 10 (pass)
Imogen manifests a friendly NPC: It's Lilt, the moose centaur.
Tim rolls for Erogenous to find an access panel: Daring 4 (DC10: fail; gains 1 peril)
Lydia rolls for Spinglewald to find an access panel: Daring 4 (DC9: fail; gains 1 peril)
Imogen rolls for Countess Underscore to find an access panel: Daring 6 (DC8: fail; gains 1 peril)
Ben uses his ability 'find a party nearby: you're invited'
Lydia rolls to play Spin The Bottle: 1, 2 = The Countess; 3, 4 = Erogenous; 5, 6 = Bathin: 3. Spinglewald snogs Erogenous.
Countess Underscore manifests a window in the blood-stained door
Spinglewald finds a chandelier in the room with Atrocity and Capricious
Tim rolls for Erogenous to open the door: Daring 6 (DC 4: pass)
Tim triggers a mexican stand-off in Erogenous' favour
Spinglewald tries to push up the portcullis- blast- hobbit-door: 10 Daring (DC 10: pass)
Everyone rolls a D6 to redecorate Castiel's spaceship: 5 (Spinglewald), 1 (Bathin), 1 (the Countess) 2 (Erogenous); everyone but Spinglewald fails and is in danger.
Imogen uses her touchstone Kinesthelesion to get out of danger.
Spinglewald declares Castiel madly in love with them.