Join Helen, Ben, Lydia and special guests Tim Meredith and Imogen Harris as they band together to survive a haunting adventure in Grant Howitt's Beautiful Space Pirates.
Sexiest space pirate to ever pirate in space. Incredibly handsome. Has King Charles II’s hair (he stole it), dyed a deep azure blue. His skin is the green of the deep sea. He is wearing “whatever you want him to, babey.” Travels with Jezail Fleurdelys, rampant space wizard. Along with Erogenous, co-own Terpsichore's Vaunt, a star-skimmer that’s been in his family for generations (that Erogenous insists is called the Erogenous Zone, much to Bathin’s displeasure.)
3 foot tall. Has twelve legs, although this changes every time they shed their skin. Has foot-long eye stalks. Incredibly handsome. Sparkly and purple. Wears “azure grey” “incredibly complicated” trousers. Travels with Clarabelle-003, a time-travelling private detective and his on-again, off-again paramour; and Castor Wolfhowl, pangalactic daguuerroeotypist and canny muckraker.
Like Noel Coward from Private Lives in terms of body shape and type — not a hunk, but a “rakish figure.” His skin is purple velveteen, covered in diamonds. Travels with Serratio Kingson, a beautiful space prince with literal emerald eyes (also Erogenous’s ex-lover). Along with Bathin, co-owns Terpsichore’s Vaunt.
Tall and bald and old and scaly and sleek. You know, like a human. But actually a snake with a slug middle. Travels with Audacious Fandago, galactic mountebank and interstellar highwayperson (also a flesh horse); and Kinesthelesion, a talking crystal horse that she's ridden since she was a child.
Bathin, Spinglewald, Erogenous, and the Countess (along with their companions Jezail Fleurdelys, Clarabelle-003, Castor Wolfhowl, Serratio Kingson, Audacious Fandagom, and Kinesthelesion) are a group of space pirates attending the funeral of the Great Space Pirate Balthazar Germaine. Balthazar wrote them into his will. However, the will came with bizarre stipulations and only one crew can claim the majestic award… by surviving a night in a haunted space station.
The crew is traveling on the Terpsichore’s Vaunt to the haunted space station. Bathin, Spinglewald, Erogenous, the Countess, and all their companions all have their own captain’s chairs (except for Spinglewald, who has a captain’s chandelier) on the bridge.
The get a message, which Erogenous answers. It’s Castiel Germaine, the husband of the late Balthazar Germaine. He wishes the crew good luck on spending the night in the haunted space station, and notes that the other crews are all already here. He informs them that in order to get the inheritance, at least three of the crew need to survive. Erogenous asks why someone might die, but Castiel says the station’s full of space demons, or spemons. Castiel’s never seen a spemon, but believes that they’re remnants of old gods from destroyed planets who have since made the space station their home. Spinglewald expresses hesitation to busting into someone else’s home, but says he’ll just have to make it up to the spemons. Bathin will do it for Balthazar’s jewels. Castiel ends the call, and Erogenous goes to make out with Serratio Kingson for twenty more minutes.
They approach the space station. It’s in large and in disrepair, built in a rustic style. There are three other spaceships in the docking bay: one of them is a flashy gold cover, one of them is purple and black with several kinds of disco balls on it, and the last one looks completely ordinary.
Before they get off the ship, Erogenous has another quick makeout session with Serratio Kingson, Spinglewald poses for some pictures with Castor Wolfhowl, and Audacious Fandago and Kinesthelesion (both horses) fight with each other.
As they disembark, they see the three other crews:
The first is led by Fingledan Parsimonious, a notorious posh fence — both in the sense that he deals in stolen goods and in that he’s an actual fence, descended from wooden spiders — who is wearing different pairs of shades on each set of eyes. His gang of space-noble smugglers includes Trevelanior (they, has hovering eyeballs around their had), Bruschetta (she, has a double-headed tail), Yurtle (he, has a golden visor), Atrocity Handhammer (he, has hammers for hands), and Chad (he, is robot royalty).
The second is led by Ra-ra Spinglespangle, dilettante and nightclub owner. She is dark-skinned and has prosthetic arms that are covered in jewels. She’s brought her all-woman band, The Mysterious Protostars: Diamond (always in a massive cloak), Venus (hovers), Livia (knives for nails), and Amara (three mouths).
The third is led by Capricious (or Capri) Sun, space cowboy/centaur and former rival of Balthazar because cowboys and pirates are constantly fighting. Capri is very determined and has brought their centaur buddies, who have humanoid tops and animal bottoms: Sundee (they, bear centaur), Lilt (he, moose centaur), and Daney Burdock (she, squid centaur).
[The cast then discusses the logic of non-horse centaurs for approximately three minutes.]
Erogenous expresses disgust to Bathin at spending the night with “these upsetting specimen,” but Bathin says that Balthezar’s jewels are worth it. Bathin talks to Atrocity Handhammer, his old rival/friend. Atrocity has recently driven his ship into a moon and thus joined Fingledan Parsimonious. Atrocity also threatens Bathin with his hands, which are hammers.
Spinglewald tries to sell a chandelier to Fingledan, and compliments his eye stalks. Fingledan says that he’ll wait until after the night in the space station to buy it. Spinglewald huffs off with the chandelier. Bathin points out to the Countessa that the chandelier is from Terpsichore’s Vaunt.
Meanwhile, both of the Countessa’s horses have gone off to chat up Burdock, the squid centaur. Also, Erogenous locks the ship, causing the ship to say “ooh, yeah.”
Castiel Germaine steps out of the space station; he has an amazing silver quiff and neon suit, and looks elegant and pleasant. He says they’ll have to survive twelve hours inside. Bathin asks after canapés, and Germaine says he can eat whatever he finds inside. Germaine then spanks everyone inside and closes the doors.
The crews find themselves in darkness, but Spinglewald turns on a light switch, turning on chandeliers all around the space station. There are rust-coloured stains all over the place. Some compartments have busted-in doors, while others are barricaded. There is a ghostly whooshing through the vents. Spinglewald suggests a nap.
The other crews go off to different parts of the space station, until the four crew and their companions are left alone.